Political horoscope

Aries

Liberals: The Occupy Wall Street movement will make you feel like you’re accomplishing something until you go back to occupying mom’s basement.
Conservatives: The Occupy Wall Street movement will make you embrace revolutionary traditions of the sixties…like pretending you have values just long enough to get into some hippie chic’s hairy, hairy lady cave.

Taurus

Liberals: Steve Jobs’ passing will mean you can listen to your iPod while threatening CEOs without being a hypocrite. Your mock turtleneck makes you look like a douche, though
Conservatives: Steve Job’s passing won’t phase you in any way. At least, not when you realize that your Apple stock is doing just fine without the ol’ bag.

Gemini

Liberals: “The new improvements to the YRL are exactly the kind of investments we need to improve education,” you will say to your bowl of cheerios during a Spongebob commercial break
Conservatives: “The new improvements to the YRL are exactly the kind of expenditures that are destroying higher ed,” you will say while complaining to the librarian about threatened cuts to Night Powell.

Cancer

Liberals: You can tweet about Ashton Kutcher lying bastard ways as much as you like but Demi Moore will never notice you.
Conservatives: You will be disappointed to learn that the Two and Half Men video you spent three hours torrenting isn’t a sex tape from Ashton Kutcher’s alleged affair after all.

Leo

Liberals: Your attempts to distract voters from the “Fast and Furious” scandal will have the opposite effect because they didn’t give a crap in the first place
Conservatives: Between  thinking about the Waco massacre and the “fast and furious” scandal, you’ll stop making  hackneyed jokes about an ATF convenience store and start filling out your job application

Virgo

Liberals: You will pray that Herman Cain loses the Republican Primary. You can’t have the son of Madelyn Dunham getting out-blacked by a Republican.
Conservatives: You will pray that Herman Cain loses the Republican Primary. That 9-9-9 thing will make your dreams of becoming a shady tax attorney roughly obsolete.

Libra

Liberals: Even the leaked nude pictures of Scarlet Johansen won’t be enough to make you “grow” out of your Iron Man Underoos though the stains she’s causing may warrant picking up a new pair.
Conservatives: You will continue to hold out for dirty Chris Evans candids. The only thing that gets you hotter than the thought of Captain America in his tighty-whities is Patriot Act-ing your way into his phone to get those pics.

Scorpio

Liberals: The President’s call for “Jobs Now” won’t be enough to overcome your Ethnomusicology degree.
Conservatives: The President’s call for “Jobs Now” won’t be enough to overcome your sense of entitlement. You’ll make minimum wage because you’re worth minimum wage.

Sagittarius

Liberals: You will never wash off the orange paint from your Ooompa Loompa costume. At least you’re all set to be John Boehner for next year.
Conservatives: You will never be able to explain your Halloween decorations. No one else thinks gay marriage is scary.

Capricorn

Liberals: Your parents won’t lend you the money you’ll beg for over Thanksgiving
Conservatives: You won’t lend your brother the rent he needs over Thanksgiving

Aquarius

Liberals: Putting a subscription to OutWrite magazine on your Christmas wishlist will make your mom cry
Conservatives: Putting a subscription to GQ magazine on your Christmas wishlist will make your dad think you’re gay.

Pisces

Liberals: Your bragging about Obama’s recent foreign policy wins will be tarnished by the fact that those policies were started by George W. Bush.

Conservatives: Your criticism about Obama’s ongoing economic woes will be tarnished by the fact that those policies were started by George W. Bush.

-------------------------

Why can’t we be friends?
Liberals, you guys are panty-waisted losers with three different flavors of whining and twice as many body odors. Conservatives, you all are egomanical sociopaths with various sizes of stick up your ass. Now, with that settled, don’t you think it’s time we moved on and focused on what we all have in common? There’s a lot we can agree on.

1. Tripping acid before a test is never a good idea -- especially in the botanical garden.
2. Almost anything Nancy Pelosi spends is a waste except whatever she’s paying Dennis Kucinich’s babysitter is not enough.
3. Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel good to bitch about it sometimes.
4. A room with both Kasey Anthony and OJ Simpson sipping cocktails is not where you want to be.
5. There are indeed places called Hawaii and Kenya and they are different.
6. If jet fuel can’t cause steel-metling combustion, chemtrail components probably can.
7. Soylet Green is a fictional product but no matter what your pastor says, that gay couple down the street is people.
8. Meghan McCain is less intelligent than the dumbest Bruin and about half of all Trojans.
9. Some housewives are desperate but not as much as some politicians.